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The biggest addiction you’ve never heard of

The biggest addiction you’ve never heard of…

Addictions are often pretty obvious. They manifest in public, humiliating ways. There’s the classic idea of the alcoholic, the Phil Mitchell from Eastenders type, stumbling around, incoherent, hurling abuse or slumped in a corner. Or the drug addict, ill-looking, emaciated and shifty a la Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting.

But there are other addictions that are much harder to spot. They’re insidious and go under the radar. They often ride shotgun alongside more well-known addictions. They’re not recognised as a problem until they’ve bedded in and become an entrenched way of life.

Let me give you a real-life example. Someone I knew who struggled with relationships. She didn’t know where the boundaries between her and other people should lie. What was her responsibility in a relationship and what wasn’t. She perpetually focused on what others wanted and needed and spent most of her life trying to take care of them. She lacked a sense of self. She wasn’t sure of her own opinions, where she stood on things. She felt she was missing the necessary emotional scaffolding for life. So she clung to other people; to their opinions, their sense of direction, their instincts. She borrowed the internal compasses of others in the absence of her own.

As a result, her romantic relationships were full of drama – push, pull, “I love you”…“I hate you”… “let’s get married…let’s break up”. Because once she got into a relationship, she couldn’t help but merge with that person. She then lost the power to make choices about whether the relationship was healthy or not.

two persons holding hands

Most of us know at least one person who often acts against their own best interests when it comes to intimate relationships. The friend who perpetually dates womanisers. The family member who jumps from relationship to relationship (often with overlaps between), seemingly never single. The colleague who’s constantly searching for a relationship and when in one seems to morph into the other person.

Underlying all of this is a condition called co-dependency. It’s classed as an addiction in its own right, with a 12 step recovery fellowship to boot (Co-dependents Anonymous). And it’s something that we all need to be aware of.

But is it really an addiction?

You may be reading this thinking “what you’re talking about is not addiction, it doesn’t sound that bad”.

It’s a fair point – it’s often hard to spot where a bit of dysfunction ends and addiction begins. But what we’re talking about are situations where those unhealthy attachments have got so extreme and the person so consumed by their relationships that their thinking and behaviour becomes obsessive.

The brilliant writer Melody Beattie describes someone who is co-dependent as:

‘one who has let another person’s behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behaviour’[1].

It’s that excessive focus on someone else’s life, behaviour and decisions and reliance on the other person for your own wellbeing that’s so destructive. You feel that if they’re not OK, you’re not OK and that it’s your responsibility to fix their pain. You take on more than your fair share of guilt for situations and you neglect yourself.

Spouses or partners of those with addiction problems can often become co-dependent. Being married to an addict can literally make you ill. Living with someone who’s unpredictable, who lets you down continually leaves a person on edge, nervous, constantly on the look-out for danger. Ultimately it creates a desire to control the addict and to stop their unmanageability. So you may find yourself hiding the car keys or throwing all the alcohol in the house away over and over again to no effect. The ‘end stage’ is that you end up losing all independence and being totally fixated or focused on the other person.

Why do we need to know about co-dependency?

Well, firstly it’s rife. It causes a lot of pain. And it’s not limited to romantic relationships. Its tentacles often reach into our relationships with family members, friends, colleagues and clients.

Look around your place of work and you’re bound to see a few people with dodgy boundaries (another hallmark of co-dependency), be it those who have excessively close relationships with clients or who perpetually get over-involved in other people’s lives.

Those of us in client-facing professions like law are at particular risk of it. Lawyers have a tendency to spend too much time on clients’ needs at the expense of our own wellbeing and that of our families. We think we’re being ‘available’, ‘accessible’, a ‘confidante’ or a ‘trusted advisor’, fuelled by the target-driven culture.  But sometimes we’re also reacting to a propensity within ourselves to try to ‘fix’ other people’s lives. And when our clients don’t follow our instructions or respond to this in the way we want them to we end up angry (passively or directly) and frustrated.

A lot of these dynamics come out to play in my practice area of family law. Clients going through personal issues like divorce notoriously get over-attached to their solicitors. And why wouldn’t they? They’re usually hurting, feeling let down, ‘at sea’ emotionally speaking and they want to know that they’ve got a lawyer who’s going to care enough about them to ‘fight their corner’ or at least stand as a buffer against their ex/their ex’s lawyer. So they attach to their lawyer, feeding a need that might previously have been fulfilled by their partner.  The lawyer then starts to find themselves being called upon by the client to provide guidance in all areas of their life, not just the legal, and at all times of day and sometimes night.

As alluded to above, this is a two-way street and we lawyers have our own part to play in this unconscious ‘dance’. If we always succumb to the pull of such clients’ needs, we unwittingly perpetuate that dependency. By trying to give the client everything they want, riding in like the cavalry to rescue the situation, we may be enabling the client’s dependent attachment on us.

The other issue is money. Many lawyers feel a little bit guilty about how much they charge, particularly with more vulnerable and dependent clients. And that makes us more inclined to do work without charging and to be more and more readily available to the client. While this is understandable and human, it runs the risk of becoming unhealthy and ultimately may not benefit the client. Because all cases end. And if you’ve fostered a dependency with a client then their ‘landing’ at the end of the matter is inevitably going to be a bumpy one.

How can we steer away from co-dependent behaviour?

The first step is recognising if you have a tendency towards it.

I believe that we are all on a spectrum in our relationships ranging somewhere from healthy secure behaviour to serious co-dependency. If you start to realise that you are swimming a little too close to the deep end then it’s important to start to educate yourself about co-dependency. There’s some fantastic books out there. Just reading about it can bring a measure of relief as well as the knowledge that there’s a name for it and ways of taming it.

And that’s the next step: change. It’s something best worked on consistently over time, either with a trusted friend or sponsor or with a therapist.

Recovery is possible and with trusted people by your side you can think about and work towards your vision for how you want to behave in relationships in the future. Each step that you then take along that path will take you away from the co-dependent ties that bind.

Good books and resources about co-dependency

Codependent No More – Melody Beattie, 1992, Hazelden

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person – Howard M. Halpern PHD, 1982, Bantam Books

Codependents Anonymous – http://coda.org

  1. P36 Codependent No More

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[1] P36 Codependent No More

 

Sober Lawyers Discuss…Work Christmas Parties

Annmarie: Jo, we wanted to have a chat about the festive season and dealing with work Christmas parties when you’re sober or trying to cut down or stop.

I think for many people this time of year is a tricky one. What’s it like for you as a sober lawyer?

Jo: If I’m completely honest, I have to resist the temptation not to go to parties! But I do have to attend some things or risk people forgetting about me or worse thinking I’m dead 😦 When I first stopped drinking I would pre-plan things to say to avoid embarrassment for example ‘I’m up early in the morning’ or ‘I’m not drinking tonight’. People would often try and urge me to drink.

Do you think this has changed more recently – the encouragement for others to drink?

Annmarie: Oh I remember that feeling well – of trying to decide whether to pretend I was on antibiotics or to make up some other excuse. Sometimes I’d say I was allergic to alcohol – which no one ever believed!

I do think things have changed – the impression I get is that for those in their 20s now it is considered more ’normal’ to be sober and that fewer questions are asked of those who don’t drink. I also think the younger generation are better at not asking such intrusive personal questions – there’s much less of all that “are you planning to have kids?”, “why don’t you drink?’ etc etc.

Are there any Christmas parties that you reckon are still fun sober?

body of water
Photo by Artem Saranin on Pexels.com

Jo: I agree – I now say I’m very on trend because young people don’t drink these days because of the scrutiny of social media.

Although, I think it’s natural to feel a bit shy or want to stay at home in the warm it is important to try and go. There are events I like to go to – where I genuinely want to catch up with people I know will be there. Once other people have had a few drinks I find that I feel just as merry as they do….and I have a great time. I find I don’t stay to the bitter end these days. How about you?

Annmarie: I agree. While I do love staying in and watching Masterchef, I think sometimes if you can give yourself a little push to go out then you can often end up enjoying it. Or you can choose to leave the party after half an hour!

When I first stopped drinking I thought I had to stay to the end of parties and be the ‘life and soul’ cos I wanted to prove that sober people are still ‘fun’. It was exhausting. These days one of the pleasures of being sober is knowing when to leave the party (usually before people start repeating themselves over and over)…

What tips do we have for people navigating office parties this year that they might be feeling a bit uncomfortable about?

Jo: I worry that there won’t be anything nice (and not too sugary) to drink. So, I might let the organisers know that I am not drinking. If they have trouble thinking about what to buy in you could point them in the direction of www.joinclubsoda.co.uk. If you feel too uncomfortable to do this the think about bringing your own non- alcoholic tipple.

I might also feel a bit self-conscious – maybe set yourself up as the party photographer. Be the person posting on social media – it’s great for networking and people will appreciate it. Any other ideas?

Annmarie: I like these. A great antidote to feeling awkward in social situations is to make yourself useful in some way! Find a person who looks like they feel even more uncomfortable than you do and have a chat with them…that tends to work a treat.  And I also increasingly warn organisers in advance that I don’t drink too – otherwise you run the risk of ending up with boring water instead of something a bit more interesting.

There tend to be loads of BD events in law and I think you can find yourself overrun with invites to such things. So I find what works for me is to be discerning about what I say yes to – I feel much more comfortable at events where there is a focus that is about something other than drinking – so something with an interesting speaker (often from outside law) always appeals to me or an activity or event held in an interesting venue.

So how about the dreaded dancing at work Christmas parties, Jo. Do you do this as a sober lawyer?

Jo: Well back in the day I was a good dancer (no really 😊).  Now I feel a bit fat and awkward. But the truth is no one really cares about other people’s dancing. Unless they are really drunk, they are more worried about the standard of their own dancing!  Everyone enjoys seeing someone else’s dancing, no matter how ‘bad’ it is.  In Brighton there are parties where it’s drug and alcohol free – with quiet zones and food. I quite fancy going to this kind of thing.  What’s your dancing like?

Annmarie: That sounds fab. I’ll never forget my first time dancing sober in a nightclub. I think I drank 5 cans of Red Bull, was really wired and felt so awkward! Luckily it gets easier. I don’t mind dancing sober now and I’ve been to loads more concerts and music festivals sober than I did when I was drinking. They’re a great way to let go and release tension. I find weddings fine these days too. But work Christmas parties can still be a bit more awkward. Nowadays I just go with how I feel – if I feel like dancing and the music’s good then that’s great. But I don’t force it if I’m just not in the mood. I’m well happy going home early-ish and having some Horlicks in front of the telly!

I hope that with this blog we’ve helped others who might feel a bit out of place or awkward at parties this festive season feel a bit less alone. Don’t forget that everyone has their vulnerabilities and it’s actually often those funny traits and quirks that people like most about us.

So if you find yourself at a party this Christmas and someone’s drawing attention to you for not drinking alcohol, remember that it says more about them and their attitude toward booze than it does about you.

Any parting shots, Jo?

Jo: I think just try to enjoy all the moments that go to making up the Christmas season.

Annmarie: …and if you don’t enjoy something then don’t worry – you’re not the only one!

Sober Lawyers discuss…’the drinking default’

Jo:

Annmarie, we recently discovered that we are both ‘sober’ lawyers. I’ve been sober for more than 11 years and you for more than 13 years*.

We have also set up our own businesses. Do you think that’s a coincidence?

Annmarie:

I think not. I reckon that being sober in a country where that’s not the norm indicates a bit of independence of spirit that goes hand-in-hand with having the gumption to start your own business. It suggests a desire to break free from the mould.

Do you think it’s still the norm in law firms to be a drinker?

Jo:

Yes and no. I think there are people who drink a lot and people who drink to keep up appearances but would probably rather not have to drink. They feel, probably rightly, that their career prospects rely on turning up to social functions where drinking is the default.

Annmarie:

Yes, that’s something that I hear from lawyers in therapy a lot. There’s that pressure to say yes to a drink at work functions even when you don’t want to. In some firms, it is still seen as part and parcel of being a ‘good laugh’ or a ‘good team player’ to be a drinker.

I did a vacation scheme when I was a big drinker and then turned up at the same firm to start my training contract 18 months later sober and had changed quite a lot in the interim…

Jo:

So, alcohol related social events are ok for those that want to partake (as we did once) but what about those that don’t? Do you think this may explain the lack of diversity in the top jobs or at partnership level?

Annmarie:

I think it probably does, partly. It’s getting better but people can still feel a bit marginalised if they don’t feel they fit in with the ‘majority’ culture at their firm.

The younger generation of lawyers are teaching us a lot though – that they want to have the opportunity to build relationships with workmates in a setting that doesn’t revolve around alcohol and which also fits with their lifestyle and other commitments.

 

two brown and blue ceramic mugs
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Jo:

My worry too is that ‘the drinking default’ excludes those whose cultures and religion do not revolve around alcohol or where it’s prohibited. For example, Muslim people will find it awkward (perhaps impossible) to navigate this culture and therefore their advancement.  So, what would our recommendations be for firms or membership organisations thinking about changing their culture?

Annmarie:

I’d suggest that firms get their staff’s creative juices flowing by asking them for suggestions of how they think their firm could support them in a move away from a drinking culture. There’s tons of options out there… sporty, arty, sightseeing, teambuilding, foodie activities.

Also, with the move to more flexible, agile working practices do you think it’s possible that we might also see a move away from networking activities taking place in the evening, which tends to be more associated with alcohol?

Jo:

Yes, absolutely. Why not have a morning event (say training) ending at the spa?  Or a social incorporating an afternoon tea?  I’d ask that organisers consider that breakfast meetings can also exclude those with caring responsibilities as do evening networking events.

Annmarie:

Yes! So important to think more broadly about people’s responsibilities rather than limiting it to those caring for children. Perhaps firms could be encouraged to make specific mention in their diversity policies of the need to be inclusive in their social and networking events.

In the lead up to the ‘festive season’ it feels particularly important that everyone feels thought of and taken into account.

Jo:

Let’s talk again soon about life as a sober lawyer.

Annmarie:

Absolutely!

* sober meaning we don’t drink alcohol or take any other mind-altering substances.

Ghosts

light landscape sky sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It’s the right time of year to be talking about ghosts. The ones I’m talking about here aren’t those that come out on Halloween though. But they can still be pretty spooky.

I’m talking about people from the past re-surfacing in our lives, either by design or by chance. How that affects us and what it means.

It’s often those people who haunt us slightly. There may be something unfinished about the relationship. Some loose ends that might never be tied up.

These are themes coming up not just in my clients’ lives but also for me and my friends. I have a milestone birthday next year and as I and many of my friends hurtle towards 40, it’s no surprise that the past is rearing its head and smacking us all round the chops a bit. For milestone birthdays mean parties, reunions and, at this age, a lot of knackered parents who don’t get out much getting nostalgic and taking stock about where they’re at in life.

“Regrets, I’ve had a few…”

Frank Sinatra may have had “too few to mention” but most of us do have some regrets about things done or not done in the past. And it’s part of the human condition to ruminate on this stuff. ‘What if x hadn’t happened, what if I hadn’t done y?’ we wonder, spurred on by alcohol and bleak love songs (Adele, anyone?).

We all engage in this pursuit from time to time, don’t we? Why else would Bryan Adams’ ‘Summer of 69’ and that girl who told him that she’d ‘wait forever’ still be played in every alcohol-soaked bar in the country? I’m more than a bit nostalgic myself and still have the t-shirt my holiday boyfriend sent me back in 1997, soaked in his Davidoff Cool Water aftershave (though we definitely didn’t say we’d wait forever. In fact, I’d bet good money that he didn’t even make it to the end of the holiday).

Such formative experiences are particularly potent. First love and all that. And there’s a scientific explanation for this. The ‘peak-end rule’ developed by psychologists tells us that the way we remember events is not made up of a total of every individual moment. We tend to remember and overemphasise the peak (best or worst) moment and the last moment and neglect the duration[1]. This explains why the end of a brief but intense relationship can hurt just as much, if not more, than the end of a long-term one.

So, these early experiences I’m talking about can often seem more powerful than relationships in our later adult years. That’s inevitable when you compare the high drama of your teens and twenties with the more hum drum aspects of an adult existence; joint bank accounts, mortgages and the joint obligations of parenthood.

Decisions, decisions

What these ‘ghosts’ also tend to remind us of are our choices in life. Whether we realise it or not, we go through life constantly making decisions. Certain paths that we take prevent us from taking others. “Alternatives exclude”, as the author John Gardner famously said.

80’s kids like me will remember the Choose Your Own Adventure multiple ending storybooks from childhood. If you didn’t end up liking the story you chose initially, you could always backtrack to the relevant fork in the road and go another way, choosing a new path that you liked the look of more. But real life doesn’t usually work like that. For every road we take, we’re simultaneously closing the door on another.

People talk about life being too short, but often it feels like it can be too narrow.

It’s not possible for us to fit in all the things we’d like to. This applies to so many things; for those of us with kids, the cost is the loss of freedom, sleep, money. For those with high-powered jobs, the price is seeing less of our homes and our families and having less free time. And it applies to our relationships. Often there are people from our past who mean something to us but who don’t quite fit into our present-day lives.

Some people do try to slot such people in as friends while others decide that they simply can’t make all the jigsaw pieces fit.

Playing with fire?

There are good reasons to be wary of these ghosts of course. I remember in 2004 at the peak of the success of the website Friends Reunited, a spike in the divorce rate was attributed to people’s new-found ability to get back in touch with former flames easily. So, we know that it can be playing with fire to keep in contact with exes. There’s also a danger that living in the past can take energy away from our present. If you’re looking to meet someone but you tend to be surrounded by a coterie of exes for example, then clearly it can send the wrong signal to potential dates.

But these ‘ghosts’ can also remind us of positive aspects of ourselves that we may have lost touch with over the years. Take someone dealing with the aftermath of having kids whose sense of identity has gone a bit all over the shop. Being in touch with someone from the past can motivate someone dealing with that to try to get back to themselves a bit, to rediscover themselves in a healthy way.

Unfinished Business

So, is it best to leave well alone or to open Pandora’s Box? Who knows? It’s different for everyone.

But we do need to be wary of expectations that seeing these people from our past will leave us with a proper ‘ending’ and a neat conclusion wrapped up in a bow. Often that doesn’t happen. We have to learn to be OK with some things left undone and some questions left unanswered. Sometimes that means we feel grief and loss. And it’s good to allow ourselves to have that.

If we can give ourselves space to grieve for the paths that we didn’t take, then it can leave us freer to enjoy the ones that we did.

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201510/why-do-we-remember-certain-things-forget-others

 

Law and wellbeing: are they incompatible?

Having procrastinated over the title of this article for a fair amount of time I can tell you that life in the brain of a lawyer ain’t an easy one. It’s teeming with all sorts of stuff: a ton of perfectionism, a heap of compulsive overthinking and a pretty hefty dash of pedantry for good measure.

We lawyers tend to be those people at school who win (after secretly revising for) the spelling bees. We’re Monica from Friends in that episode in a class raising her arm in the air in response to the teacher’s question shouting “I know, I know, I know…”. We’re the overachievers who want to excel at everything we do.

Once we get that first initial ‘hit’ of approval from our caregivers, our teachers, it becomes addictive. We want more of it, more praise and more recognition. From an early age we tie our self-esteem to the externals in life – what does this person think of me, is this grade good enough etc.

Thus begins a life lived on a hamster wheel; forever seeking the next ‘success’ and the next challenge.

Naturally, we seek out a profession that provides those external markers of success we seek and which satisfies our need for intellectual stimulation. And law is the perfect vehicle into which to pour a strong work ethic and intense drive to achieve.

And the truth is that the legal profession rewards us for these traits. The pursuit of accuracy to the point of OCD is applauded, we’re rewarded with bonuses for meeting or exceeding our targets and we’re taught that every minute of our days can be monetised.

But we can’t switch the compulsive thinking off.

The Stakes are High

The message is that accuracy, nay perfection, is the gold standard. And when we stray from that standard (as inevitably we do as humans), our bodies and minds get invaded by a shedload of fear. We feel under attack, as if there’s someone ready to pounce on our mistake, whether it’s the client, your boss or a solicitor at another firm.

The truth is that that is often the case.

Expectations are high of lawyers and there are consequences to getting things wrong. The bottom-clenchingly awful moment in the Supreme Court prorogation case a few weeks ago when it was discovered that the court bundle was incorrectly numbered gave many of us a shiver down the spine and flashbacks to errors that that have kept us awake at night.

And while we can all talk the talk about the importance of boundaries, we all really know that there are still many offices out there where chronic overworking at the expense of your health is worn as a badge of honour and seen as a demonstration of ‘commitment’ to the clients.

This reality doesn’t sit easily alongside the current focus on wellness in the profession.

Indeed, you could argue that a profession with precision and meticulousness at its heart as law does is inherently bad for your emotional balance and wellbeing.

We need to be honest about these tensions, not deny that they exist.

To make real progress with these wellness initiatives we need leadership from the top.

We need our leaders in law to do what they say and say what they do. 

Because as humans we all learn by imitation. If we have a boss who thinks wellness is a ‘great idea for young lawyers’ but who works all hours him/herself, people will be likely to follow what the boss does not what he/she says, in an effort to progress up the ranks.

activity board game connection desk
Photo by CQF-Avocat on Pexels.com

Critical Voices

It’s not easy to detach a lawyer’s self-esteem from their job even slightly. Helping lawyers to dislodge their own internal Critical Parent voice is a tough old task. This voice is the natural bedfellow of impostor syndrome; telling you you’re not good enough and making you feel like a scared child. The problem for lawyers is that that voice is often amplified and supplemented by criticisms at work, be it from a scathing judge, an angry client or a stressed out boss taking his/her ire out on you. We file these criticisms away in our brains and bring them out now and again as evidence of our lack of worth and ability. This creates a skewed perspective which can be incredibly damaging over time.

Our urgent task is to help lawyers to develop their own individual internal barometers that tell them when ‘good enough’ is enough.  We have to help each other to try to shut off or at least temper that instinct to strive for excellence at all costs (the cost usually being our physical and mental health).

It may be that the culture of workaholism in law firms will never really change until promotions stop being linked inextricably to billable hours.We can talk about wellness all we want but if those external markers of success are achieved by working yourself to the bone then the need to look after yourself will not really hit home.

I spoke with a coach recently who works with law firms on improving culture. The first thing she does when she goes into a firm is to ask the senior management team whether it would be willing to let go of one of the top billing partners if it emerged that he/she and his/her working practices were having a detrimental effect on the wellbeing of their juniors. If the management team say they would not then she will not work with them. I admire her resolve that if a firm was not willing to place staff wellness ahead of profits then they were not a firm she could work with.

We’ve got a long way to go to redress unhealthy work practices and to better protect our lawyers from excessive working, excessive productivity and excessive availability. I believe that this generation coming up is the one to restore balance to the practice of law. But if we are going to do it then we have to be unafraid to be honest about the current state of affairs.