“Don’t call me insecure!!”
Lawyers and attachment
Law is a world associated with structure and stability. So is it any wonder that it attracts people with an insecure attachment style?
Often that manifests as anxious attachment. We cling to the externals in life to give us a sense of self-worth.
The irony is of course that the actual practice of law does not feel in reality as stable as it might look at first sight. It’s competitive. It’s unpredictable. The clients are often unhappy with you, even when you’ve done a good job. It can become a breeding ground for all our insecurities to grow.
Let’s delve into why this happens and how legal practice allows these latent insecurities to develop.
“Going back to my roots…”
Many of us entered the legal profession as the “bright kids” at school. Our self-esteem became tightly bound to external accolades like exam results and academic achievements. This external validation created a fertile ground for anxious attachment styles. Our sense of self-worth became linked to how well we performed and the recognition we received.
This mindset doesn’t just vanish once we leave school and university. It follows us into our careers, where the stakes and pressures are even higher. The legal profession, with its high demands and constant evaluations, often perpetuates these insecure attachment patterns.
Those graphs on our computer screens telling us each morning how we’ve performed against our annual target.
The clocks shouting about whether we’ve made our hours target for that day.
The appraisals grading our performance over the year.
How could be not become attached to those things? To always doing better. Meeting and exceeding these targets we’ve been set. Like a hamster on a wheel.
“Clocks”
Isn’t the chargeable time system the ultimate anxiety amplifier?
It’s such a relentless taskmaster. While designed to measure productivity and profitability, it inadvertently fuels anxiety.
The constant push for billable hours creates an environment where it’s difficult to find contentment. There’s always another deadline, another client to appease, another hour to bill.
And yet, if we were to take it away, I don’t think it would solve the problem entirely. It would alleviate some of the worse symptoms. But I believe we would find other ways to ‘grade’ our performance. We might even feel worse initially – completely at sea in the absence of any ‘marking’ system we can apply to situations.
“Don’t worry, be happy”
I believe that, as lawyers, we are essentially taught to be professional worriers. It’s our job to anticipate problems, mitigate risks, and navigate the uncertainties of the legal landscape. While this skill set is invaluable to the job and for our clients, there are no prizes for guessing that this is ultimately not good for our mental health.
Our brains are wired to focus on potential threats and issues, reinforcing a negative bias. This spills over into our personal lives, making it hard to switch off and find peace. All of this with the backdrop of the fact that all humans (until the age of 65!) tend to have a negative bias in their brains anyway).
“Happy”
So, how do we turn off this incessant worrying and negative bias?:
- Get out of your head: you’ll have heard of mindfulness. What that’s about basically is getting out of your thinking brain and into your body and the present. Practicing mindfulness over time reduces the constant churn of anxious thoughts. Techniques such as meditation can train our brains to focus on the now, rather than the next worry.
- Notice the Internal Critical Voice: Learning to be kind to ourselves is crucial. Instead of seeking validation externally, we can practice self-compassion, recognising that our worth isn’t tied to our achievements. This is a long old process. The first step is noticing the strong Internal Critic. Rather than trying to squash it, it is by accepting its presence, but not buying into its incessant commentary, that we can reduce its power over us.
- The B Word: In a world where there is always someone testing your boundaries, persevering and attempting to set them where you can is to be applauded.
- Professional Help: Therapy and counselling can provide invaluable support in understanding and addressing insecure attachment styles. A professional can offer tools and techniques to manage anxiety and build healthier attachment patterns.
“Changes”
Change doesn’t happen overnight.
But, I believe that understanding more about your psychological make-up can help to create some freedom and enable us to evolve away from an insecure attachment style.
It is possible, I believe, to practice law as a secure lawyer. That is a wonderful place to be – to be operating from a position from choice. Rather than being dragged around by everyone else’s whim and desire.
Author:
Annmarie Carvalho is a therapist, trainer and therapeutic supervisor and former solicitor. Follow her on LinkedIn for more insights and strategies to thrive in the legal world.