Reflections on Loss
When someone goes through a divorce, they often experience grief, but it’s not just the end of a marriage. It’s far more than that. For many, the loss is layered—so deep and complex that they may not even realise how many aspects of their life are unravelling until the dust starts to settle.
One of the most painful parts of divorce is losing the dream of what life was supposed to be. The image of a happy, stable family, a lifelong partner to grow old with, and a “perfect” life, one carefully curated for social media, are all part of the illusion that shatters with the end of the marriage. The family pictures, the vacations, the celebrations of anniversaries and milestones—all of it suddenly feels like a lie, or at least a memory of something that was never fully real. For many, it’s a realisation that it was never going to be what they had hoped. And that realisation stings deeply, like a physical ache. It’s not just the loss of a partner—it’s the loss of a life they had envisioned.
Divorce forces many people to confront parts of themselves that they might not have considered before, including their own self-esteem. It’s easy to internalise the breakdown of the marriage, especially if they were the one who made the decision to end it. They might ask themselves questions like, “Was I not good enough?” or “Was I too demanding, too emotional, too much in some way?” It’s natural to feel like they’ve failed—not just as a partner, but as a person. These feelings of inadequacy are tough to shake. Even when they know deep down that no marriage is perfect, the weight of self-blame can be hard to escape.
What makes this grief even more complicated is how the pain of divorce often triggers older, unaddressed wounds. The emotions stirred up by the end of a relationship don’t just stem from the marriage—they can tap into past losses, trauma, or unresolved issues from earlier in life. Perhaps it’s the death of a loved one years ago, or childhood experiences that were never fully processed. Divorce has a way of reopening these old scars. For many, the grief feels like a domino effect—once one loss starts to surface, it pulls everything else with it. Past griefs and unresolved emotional pain can surface, making the current loss feel even more overwhelming.
The triggers are constant. It might be a song on the radio that brings back memories, or a place that once held happy family moments, or even the smell of something familiar. The grief is always lurking just beneath the surface, and it can hit unexpectedly, leaving them feeling overwhelmed and powerless. While the world tells them they should be moving forward, they can’t help but feel stuck. It’s like the grief is never truly gone—it’s always just waiting for the next trigger to bring it all back. And it’s in these moments that they wonder if they’ll ever be able to move past it.
One of the most helpful things someone can do in the midst of this is to seek therapy. It’s not easy to admit that they need help, but the reality is, they can’t heal alone. Therapy provides a safe space to untangle the layers of grief and loss that many don’t even realise exist. It helps them understand that the pain they’re feeling isn’t just about the divorce; it’s compounded by unresolved issues from their past, by traumas that have never fully healed. Working with a therapist can help them process those feelings, identify unhealed wounds, and begin to address them. Without this guidance, the grief can deepen and spiral. But with support, they can begin to see that while the pain is real, it doesn’t define them.
Grief isn’t just about death of course; it’s about any kind of significant loss. And divorce is one of the most profound losses a person can experience. It deserves attention, understanding, and compassion. When someone is grieving the end of their marriage, it’s not just the loss of a relationship—it’s the loss of dreams, of a family structure, of self-identity, and often of a sense of belonging. If they can allow themselves to embrace the complexity of their grief, they can begin to heal.
For anyone going through a divorce, or any kind of loss, it’s important to remember that grief is valid—no matter how it shows up. And it’s okay to not have it all together. Reaching out for help, whether it’s through therapy or confiding in a trusted friend, is a brave and necessary step.
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but with time, support, and compassion, it is possible. And for anyone grieving, it’s important to know they are not alone in this journey and that there is a bright future waiting for them.
Author, Claire Deacon
Claire has joined TCC to support us in our work with client service and developing and growing our business.
She has a deep understanding of the industry that we operate in, both as a coach and service provider to family lawyers and mediators. Her varied career in both corporate, start-ups and founder-led organisations means she can bring her expertise and attention to detail to TCC at this exciting time of growth for us.
Claire is passionate about customer experience and optimising policies and procedures to achieve the best outcome for our clients and helping us to stay true to our values.