Men: please talk to us!!
One of the things I’m most proud of is that at TCC (The Carvalho Consultancy) we have almost as many male clients as female.
Because addressing male mental health is an emergency (and not just because November is Men’s Mental Health Month).
This is borne out by statistics on male suicide, addiction, health in general, education, the list goes on. Just this weekend, there was a heartbreaking report in the press about the suicide of a young Oxford University student who took his own life after fearing he’d been “cancelled” by his friends.
None of this is to say that the focus on women and feminist issues (including male violence against women) in the present climate is wrong. It’s also urgent.
I am a feminist. And yet I don’t buy into the particular brand that seems to be about saying “We’re better than men so screw them”.
I also don’t buy into the view that “men have had their time in the spotlight so now it’s time for the women”.
To me, this is an over correction which just creates further problems. Isn’t it possible to hold these two things at the same time? To be looking at both issues rather than chucking the men under the bus?
Too many men in therapy say things like: “I shouldn’t be moaning about this when I’m so privileged” or “It’s not my time so no one cares what I have to say”.
You might read this and think “Can I hear the smallest violin in the world playing”. But I think you’d be wrong.
Because most of the people I meet are relatively privileged compared to the rest of the world. And yet the idea that this means that, if you’re in emotional pain, you’re not allowed to get support or that you should shut up and stop moaning is absolute balls and just leads to further problems.
The recent Saoirse Ronan interview was illuminating & the spotlight is rightly on her brilliant intervention about the threat of violence against women and girls in what had become a weirdly ‘locker room’ type atmosphere on The Graham Norton Show. And yet a few days later when I heard an expert caller on a radio show describing Paul Mescal and Eddie Redmayne’s silence after her comments as ‘oppressive’, I had to disagree. Putting myself in their shoes, with the audience cheering wildly & with all the hoo-hah since, I’d be willing to bet that they were feeling shame, embarrassment & a bit like a pair of wallies.
So please can we make room for men’s experience? And keep the lines of communication going? There’s people doing amazing work in this area like Richard V. Reeves but I fear that, in the present climate, we’re not very good at looking at the male experience except when a boy or man takes his own life. But, in my experience, when that awful situation arises, its usually been preceded by a thousand tiny instances of feeling isolated, misunderstood, out of place & unwanted.
Here’s my two little 7 year old twinion Spider-Men who teach me every day about the male experience.