Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard…” No, Chris Martin of Coldplay wasn’t singing about having kids in this line from their song ‘The Scientist’… but he may as well have been. Not another post moaning about how hard it is to have kids, I hear you cry! I know some people get aggravated by this sort of thing. And there’s also the brigade who, whenever you utter a word which isn’t universally positive about your kids, urge you to “be grateful. IT GOES SO FAST!” To me, these sorts of reactions are empathy fails. Because while I totally understand it when people get annoyed that those who have kids take up a lot of airtime and space in this world, both metaphorically and literally… …people need space to be able to talk about what’s difficult in life, including kids.
The experience of having them is a very particular one – one where it’s very hard to anticipate what it will be like before it happens. In the days leading up to your precious one’s birth, when you’re packing your hospital bags, people often ask “Are you ready?”. In a similar way to how everyone asks in December “Are you prepared for Christmas?” (To which the correct answer is “no, absolutely not. I’ll be doing 90% of my shopping in my local John Lewis on Christmas Eve, thanks for asking”). The truth is it’s impossible to be ‘ready’ emotionally in the lead-up to having kids. To prepare yourself for what’s about to happen. For the ways in which it will stretch and challenge you (as well as being wonderful). Having kids these days is no walk in the park (or, if it is, it’s often a screamy one).
High rates of anxiety, mental illness, and neurodiversity. We, parents and caregivers, are also more aware of the dangers out there – a far cry from all that playing out in the evening in the woods with our mates we used to do back in the 90s. So we’re with our kids much more. Which is INTENSE. Many of us are having kids when we’re older. Our parents are likely to be elderly or dead. Many of us live far from our families.
So we have limited help. And, inevitably, you bring baggage to it. When situations arise with your own kids, you often end up replaying dynamics from your own issues with your caregivers. Or you so desperately try to ‘right the wrongs’ you feel were done to you in your childhood that you swing like a pendulum the other way, creating issues in a different direction. I’m not asking for sympathy with this post! I am very lucky, grateful, and fulfilled in so many ways. I also feel like a clapped-out old banger a lot of the time. These two things can co-exist.
It is possible. Perhaps my conclusion is this – if you are with a parent/caregiver who’s struggling today, perhaps give them a smile and a nod of recognition. Please don’t tell them “you were the one who said you wanted kids…”. They didn’t know what they were getting into either… PS They are cute though, aren’t they?
