Making Friends With Your Anxiety - by Bhavesh Kotecha, Psychotherapist, TCC

Making Friends With Your Anxiety

We like to think of ourselves as rational people. Calm under pressure. Thoughtful in relationships. Sensible at work. But most of us know the experience of reacting in ways that feel completely out of character: snapping at someone we care about, spiralling with anxiety, overthinking a message, or making decisions we later regret.

Psychotherapist Bhav Kotecha describes these moments as encounters with our “inner chimp” - the emotional, instinctive part of the brain that reacts before logic has a chance to catch up.

The concept comes from Professor Steve Peters’ well-known “Chimp Paradox” model, which separates our thinking into different systems. The “human” part of the brain is rational, reflective, and values-driven. The “chimp” is emotional, reactive, and driven by fear, threat, ego, and impulse. The problem is not that the chimp exists. The problem is when we fail to recognise when it has taken control.

Kotecha’s central message is surprisingly compassionate: the goal is not to destroy the chimp, suppress emotions, or become endlessly calm. It is to build a better relationship with that emotional part of ourselves.

Too often, people respond to uncomfortable emotions with shame. We criticise ourselves for being anxious, jealous, defensive, needy, or angry. But fighting against these reactions usually strengthens them. Instead, Kotecha argues for curiosity over self-judgment. What is the emotion trying to protect us from? Why has this situation triggered such a strong response? What fear sits underneath it?

This shift matters because emotional reactions are often fast, automatic, and deeply human. The chimp reacts first. Logic arrives later. That is why people can know rationally that something is “fine” while emotionally feeling overwhelmed anyway.

One of the most powerful ideas explored in the conversation is that self-awareness alone is not enough. Many intelligent, reflective people understand exactly why they behave the way they do, yet still repeat the same patterns. Real change comes not just from insight, but from learning how to pause before reacting.

That pause is where emotional regulation begins.

Kotecha discusses the importance of recognising physical signs that the chimp has taken over: tension, urgency, defensiveness, catastrophising, or the feeling that something must be resolved immediately. In those moments, the aim is not to “win” the argument inside your head. It is to slow the process down enough for the rational brain to re-engage.

This approach has important implications for relationships, work, and wellbeing. Many workplace conflicts are not really about the presenting issue at all. They are emotional reactions to feeling criticised, ignored, unsafe, or out of control. Equally, many personal struggles are worsened by the harsh way people speak to themselves internally.

Making friends with your inner chimp does not mean excusing bad behaviour or abandoning accountability. It means recognising that emotional reactions are part of being human and learning how to respond to them more skilfully.

The conversation also challenges the idea that emotional control means emotional suppression. People often assume resilience looks like staying composed at all times. In reality, emotional health is less about never reacting and more about recovering more quickly, understanding yourself more honestly, and responding with greater intention.

Perhaps the most reassuring takeaway is that everyone has an inner chimp. No one is entirely rational all the time. The work is not to become perfect, but to become more aware of what drives us and more compassionate in how we respond to ourselves and others.

Because ultimately, the voice inside your head shapes everything: your relationships, your confidence, your work, and your sense of self. Learning to work with that voice, rather than constantly battling against it, may be one of the most important psychological skills we can develop.

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